How to Talk to Your Kids About the Gibbous Moon

Parenting is, unfortunately a hellish gauntlet of uncomfortable conversations and tearful revelations. There's no greater example of this than the famously  innocence-shattering "Gibbous Talk." We firmly believe there is no good way to do this, whatsoever. However, the generous folks at Moonsplain HQ have compiled a little guidebook for our subscribers who want someone else to blame for the loss of sparkle in your little boy, girl or whatever's eye.

Here goes.


1) Make sure your child can understand the language you are planning on speaking in.

For example if your child only knows English, don't explain in French. It doesn't count, it's a cop out and it leaves them totally unprepared for the Gibbous curse. Don't be like my father.

2) Choose a relaxed setting.

Some must-haves for any competent Gibbous Reveal Sesh are: comfortable seating, natural lighting or a few candles and a somber atmosphere. This is why Moonsplain officially recommends you break the news during the silent prayer portion of a church service. As a bonus, your progeny's piercing wails will provide the churchgoers with some excellent opportunities to practice forgiveness. If you are not a part of any church, simply dip into one on any given Sunday.


3) Rip the Band-Aid Off Quick

Often, parents will beat around the bush in the beginning sections of this talk. This accomplishes nothing and allows for dread to build in both the parent and child. Instead, pull no punches. Here's how I did it with my youngest:

"Hello, son. I'm sorry to say this, but sometimes, the moon is a shape that is between half and full. It's like a crescent moon but inverted."

"Yes, during both waxing and waning."

"We call it the 'Gibbous Moon,' which derived from the Middle English phrase 'Gibby's Moon, ' named after Gibby, the villain from the television show iCarly, whom exhibits a similar shape and malevolence."

Show them a picture of each. Here's the one I used:
[At this point I deployed my handkerchief to sop up my sweet boy's spurts of tears and snot.]

4) Share Defense Tips!

You and I both know that nothing short of a certified fallout shelter offers safety from the destructive aura of the Gibbous, but studies show that hope, even false hope, is an important thing to foster in The Youth. Here's what we can tell them so they can function from day to day.

A) Only look at the dark crescent, never the main bright part.
This is basic cause & effect and needs no explanation. 

B) Wear a hat or head scarf to prevent hair-theft.
Make sure it's nothing too showy, such as a crown or a shako; ours is a jealous football in the sky, and adornment draws it's ire.

C) Believe not its honeyed lies. Unfortunately, every profane claim the Gibbous moon says is true. That said, there is no reason your child needs to know exactly how they'll die before they hit puberty.

5) Be Ready to Provide Extra Emotional Support and Guidance Over the Next Few Weeks!

Do not expect them to accept all this at once. No one ever does. We hope this helps you navigate the horrible fate of parenthood with more confidence.

As always, stay safe out there!

Comments

  1. I almost fell for it's honeyed lies, thank you, good forces of moonsplain

    ReplyDelete
  2. Turns out the reply button does nothing on mobile ( ͜。 ͡ʖ ͜。)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon

    ReplyDelete

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